hmm, i'm feeling quite sad now.
cause i don't think mom really knows me as a person. she's still
treating me as if i have a mind of a very young child. i don't blame
her for that, but mom, i have grown up. all those words that you said
hurt me although you don't know about it. it hurts to see you treat me
like i have a mind of a dumb, rebellious child. but, i'm not. and i'm
trying not to. but somehow, no matter what i do, it just seems that
i've not done enough, and that you just don't understand the real
person beneath my skin. i'm not raphael, i'm not andrew and i'm not
isaac. i'm matthew, so can you treat me as an individual? i have my own
dreams, my own likes, my own problems and my own principles. it's not
like i don't know about the people around me that cares, in fact, i'm
very sensitive about it. just that i don't know how to show it. i know
you love me, and it hurts me to see you doing all these for me. but it
hurts even more when i realise you don't know the true person's that's
deep inside. the person that knows what he's doing and probably
suffering from some sorts of weird mental illness. i really don't know
what to say at this point. godpa, godma, i really don't know what to
do, what to say and how i should think and feel. i'm kind of stuck in a
dilemma right now.
basically, what happened was that Mdm. Wong called today, and talked to
dad about me. She asked about me and asked why i was sleeping during
lessons. then my dad tried to explain to her whatever he knew. and i
feel very comforted by his actions. all he said to me after the call
was to sleep earlier next time and not to do it again. that's it. then
mom came back and dad told her about what Mdm. Wong said. then she
started asking me those weird questions. come on mom, i have a heart,
and somehow it's incredibly soft and you are, in my opinion, totally
unaware of it. i will try my best to be the best son ever, but i always
fail and i always don't keep my promises that i say to you. but please,
i do know how much you do for me, i'm not stupid and insensitive. i
wanna cry, cry all these pain out of my heart. but, the tears just
can't seem to roll out. and i'm sure when i start, i won't be able to
stop. i will try my best to sleep earlier, never to sleep during
lessons again. but first and foremost, please give me some time to
change and adapt to the new situation around me. i will try to be the
son you project me to be. i will live according to your way, i will
sacrifice my own loves to please you. but i need time.

pain and hurt,
~emma